Sunday, November 6, 2011

LOVE/hate, love/HATE

I know I've been getting on my mom's nerves lately. Heck, I've been getting on my own nerves lately. The other day Mom told me I was probably the most contradictory person she had ever met...I think I have to agree.

Well, let's start with running, which is mainly what Mom was referring to. Running and I...have a love/hate relationship to say the least. Every day during the last month of track last season, I complained. I didn't want to run. "I'm done with this, I'm done with that. Give me my summer!" I chose not to go to Nationals, which I qualified for in two events. I just
wanted to be done, and done for a long time. A long time. But then I have a race like my 800 (remind me to tell you about that sometime), which I had been working all season to get sub-2:30. Every time I ran it, though, I made a different mistake: didn't run through the line, picked it up too late, looked at the clock the last stretch. Well, I had pretty much done it all, except for false-starting as my friend kindly reminded me. Finally, my last race of the season, I got the sub-2:30! And I was on Cloud Nine, 7th Heaven, whatever all those clichés are. At that moment I was assured why I was a runner. I wanted to be a runner. That feeling reminded me of why I run.

Last year, I was the number one girl on the cross-country team, and battled for first overall with two other boys. I won my league championship, my times were constantly improving. I was known for being "fast." Over the winter I trained, and come track season,  I was well-ahead of the majority of the team and ended up doing a lot of workouts by myself.

Where did it all go? Where's my urge to surge? Where's that competitive drive when someone passes me? That desire to push myself and get inside the "hurt box?" Where's the motivation, the desire?  Am I a one-hit wonder with my glory year?

Yet, if I were to answer myself honestly, I don't want to be number one. I don't want to be an Olympian or an All-American. I love to run to feel healthy, to feel strong. The winner of the Mayor's Cup Women's 5K was interviewed and said, "I didn't know the course,  but I knew I was going to do whatever it took to win. And therefore I knew I was going to have to make it hurt." I don't want to do what it takes to be number one, I don't want to put in the effort. And it's because there's other things I love and want to do, like drama and writing.

But I love to be known for  being fast. I love being able to keep up with the boys. I love to be known as a runner. I love, I hate, I do, I don't. But, you see, except, what if, although...see what I mean?

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