Sunday, March 29, 2015

Trust in Yog(i)

"There is nothing more precious than self-trust."

There are some days when Yogi gets it just right, and this morning was one of those times. The quote on my Yogi Throat Care tea tag this morning made waking up with a sore throat a little more bearable. 

This weekend is one of those weekends I am ready to fly. Perhaps it's the shining sun and the melting snow, the rugs airing out on the car roofs, or my new haircut, but I feel like I've been holed up for awhile. I'm not just feeling claustrophobic from winter. It's high school. Yesterday I went for a fast run, threw on my Denison University sweatshirt (one of the schools I'm considering going to next year), and went over my friend Shelby's house to talk about the future. It's all I want to talk about. I'm at the point now where people ask me what year I am, and I can say I'm a senior. They ask me where I'm going next year, and I can give them an answer, which is that I'm not sure quite where, but I have ideas. They ask me what I want to study, and I can tell them, which is I want to double-major in English and Theatre with the hopes of directing.

It seems like so long ago that I submitted my college applications. I remember the day vividly. It was the last Saturday in October. I had rehearsal for Peter Pan in the morning, then came home instead of going to my friend's senior day for soccer (which I remember feeling guilty about) because I wanted to submit my applications. Around 6 o'clock I finally finished, and then I drove over my friend's house and we sang and watched the musical Rent. Now I've heard back from all my colleges. The waiting game is over. Now it's time to decide. The dilemma of decisions...

I think part of my characteristic indecision comes from my fear of “choosing wrong,” whatever “wrong” may be, whether it be what movie we watch, which cinnamon roll to choose, or what topic to study for a project. It’s much easier when someone else makes the decision, because then if it doesn’t turn out to be the “best” decision, well, I didn’t make it, so I don’t feel inclined to beat myself up over it. But this is my future, and the idea that I am getting to decide where I want to go next year excites me. I don't want anyone else to make the decision for me. 

For awhile, I was questioning whether I really did want to go far away for college, which was scary, because I mostly only applied far away. Visiting St. Olaf last month was like a trip into my future. The entire weekend was scary, exciting, and overwhelming. I had so much freedom...the freedom to skip lunch and sit in on an extra class, to share my passions with strangers, to sit in on a Lutheran chapel service. There were moments I felt confident, that I was ready for this next phase in my life, and others when I just wanted to crawl back into my bed at home. But I kept pushing through the weekend, telling myself that I was okay. My weekend at St. Olaf confirmed my decision that I do in fact want to go away. Everyone challenges themselves in different ways. My challenge is going away from home, where I don't have Mom to validate my every decision. 

"Are you going to be okay next year? I mean, without Mom?" my brother asked me a few weeks ago. It was a valid question, and I think the fact that even my younger brother picked up on my reliance on my Mom assured me it's important to start relying on myself more. I've always been okay on my own. I like my space. But I second-guess myself a lot. 

And this is where Yogi comes in. I need to start trusting myself and my own decisions. I need to be confident in myself, and accept my decisions. If I make the wrong decision, I need to own that and roll with it, rather than berate myself for “choosing wrong.” 

And I can't just trust myself because Yogi said it. It can't be trust in Yogi. It has to be trust in Yogi.

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