Saturday, January 5, 2013

"You're Okay"

For the past nine days, my mom has been away on vacation with no cell phone or internet access, and I'll admit I've been going through a bit of "Mom withdrawal." I know...I'm not three anymore. Rest assured, I no longer cry every time she drops me off someplace. I no longer pester her every time she goes out, insisting to know where she's going and what time she'll be home (as much). But I still wait for her to tuck me into bed, and I still rely on her to approve nearly everything I do or say. I rely on her to assure me I'm okay; that these jeans don't make me look fat and I'm not a b**** (all the time), that I'm doing enough and it's okay I ate the whole tin of candied walnuts and yes, this necklace looks good with this shirt. Ever since I was little, it has always been this way.

And I realize that it's not necessarily a good thing. These past nine days I was put to the test when Mom was gone. I couldn't talk to her every day to hear her tell me, "Yes. You should go sleepover your friend's house. It's vacation. You'll get your homework done later." I couldn't ask her if what I said was arrogant. I couldn't hear her tell me, "Tomorrow's another day. Don't beat yourself up over today. Just start again tomorrow." I couldn't hear her tell me that everything I was feeling was normal.

These past nine days, I had to rely on myself. When I looked in the mirror, I had to tell myself that I looked good. I chose to go to my friend's sleepover. When I ate four brownies (in a row) after a Coolatta from Dunkin' Donuts, I calmed myself down enough to realize that it's not like I do it every day; I would be better tomorrow...and if not tomorrow, the day after. (With all the leftover Christmas treats, it took a few days of this.) I chose to help out at play rehearsal even though I could've gone for a run, because I love being completely immersed in it. When I couldn't figure it out in my head, I journaled.

Mom came home tonight. These past nine days were a good experience for me, considering I'm going off to college in a few years and she won't always be there to rub my tummy when I'm sick. Regardless of the fact that I recognize it's important to rely on myself for assurance, I still gave her the rundown of my nine days. She told me what I already knew. She told me, "Tomorrow's another day. Don't beat yourself up over today. Just start again tomorrow." She told me everything I was feeling was normal.

1 comment:

Gigi Thibodeau said...

Love this post. You have such a good attitude.